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Awesome Superhero Facial Hair

May 13, 2008

Because of the nature of comic book characters, being drawn by different very talented people with very different styles, a character will look different from other incarnations. Sometimes, from a single artist, everyone’s faces look the same, and you can only tell the different from their costumes or the color of their clothes.

Without having them wear their costumes all the time, what’s the best way to solve that predicament? There are a number of ways- accessories like Nick Fury’s eye patch, hair color, scars like Psylocke’s, or tattoos. But by far, my favorite distinguishing trademark is facial hair. Why? Because it’s awesome on the right people.

Facial hair works for some people, and it doesn’t for others. Would you like to see a Captain America who looks like a hobo? Well, yeah, I guess some of you would. On the right people, though, they avoid looking like a terrorist or a 1980s porn star.

Tony Stark

And out of all these people, of course, the most famous guy with facial growth has got to be Tony Stark. Mr. Stark has sported a sleazeball child pornographer ’stach and a Backstreet Boy goatee, and although both styles have looked good on him, we all prefer his Howie D. look to his Ron Jeremy knock-off moustache.

Look at Stark there- so suave, so macho- like the vagina-eater he’s supposed to be. He doesn’t look like Satan at all!

And here, we have his prepubecent pencil moustache. Look at him. He looks like he’s ready to seduce your wife and sleep with your mother, while taking it in the back from a Hulk Hogan look-alike.

Also, apparently, you have to have a certain level of moustachioed manliness to pilot one of those Iron Man armors. Even Jim Rhodes got into the facial hair action.

Green Arrow

There’s this one guy who walks around with face pubes as his trademark, and even if he wears a mask over his eyes, there can’t be anyone else dumb enough to wear facial hair like a musketeer- Mr. Oliver Queen, The Green Arrow.

He wears that full English Moustache with a goatee that looks like he can stab himself with it or be used to clean out those hard-to-reach places.

They say Ollie’s just a normal person with amazing accuracy and incredible fighting skills, but I think his super power is To rock his chin curtain that hard.

With facial hair like that, though, how the hell did he ever expect to have an eye-mask keep his identity secret? I think that if you hide his entire body, and just show his beard, and you can already nail him. Seriously, though, he gets respect for looking like he fought in the Civil War and didn’t bother to shave since then.

What I’m absolutely sure of is that it’s got Black Canary addicted to some of that face-lovin’. Wait, maybe that’s his super power.

Wolverine

His 616 version may have gone through different versions, but as far as I know, he’s never had everything from a 5 o’clock shadow to sideburns that would make Elvis Presley quiver in jealousy. But when you have six razors with you at all times and a healing factor, you can pretty much shave yourself whenever you like, however you like. I guess he thinks it attracts the women, when in his case, all it attracts are fleas.

His Ultimate version has more sense of grooming and has a soul patch, although it doesn’t seem to have lasted.

However, the best way to tell where Wolverine is among unmasked people is to find his hair. His hair apparently takes the shape of the mask he wears for some reason.

Everyone who lives or has lived in Asgard, unless they’re evil or female or a guy named Thor

Remember the good ole’ days when Thor looked like he actually belonged in Asgard. Back then, he used to look like he took all the women because of his rugged manly face monster. Back when he used to rule the place, Thor had to have a beard almost as manly as his old man, Odin, just so the other Asgardians and Frost Giants would stop calling him "Girly Boy."

Everyone, or those important, in Asgard has facial hair, and only Loki, who is a snivelling little brat of pure evil didn’t have one. It’s because he was a rebel and he went and stuck it to THE MAN.

Now, Thor looks like a metrosexual wuss compared to the other manly Asgardians. To add to that, he carries around a hammer. Nope, nothing phallic about that. Heck, even Hercules looks manlier than Thor these days, and this guy wears a mini-skirt!

Dum Dum Dugan

Where’s a good thick handlebar moustache when you need one and Lemmy Kilmister isn’t around? You go to SHIELD and you look for Mr. Dugan.

Yep, you’d have to be Tom Selleck, Burt Reynolds or Earl to even come close to that level of manliness.

Aquaman

I think that a beard can make or break a superhero. When you think Aquaman, you think of this practically useless douchebag who swims and throws waterballs underwater. But when you see this guy-

- you don’t think "douchebag." You think "I’m going to get skewered by the fish guy! OH FUCK!"

And there you have it, folks. The measurement of true manliness has always been by the amount of hair you can grow on your face without you looking like a hermit from China. And these boys are that damn manly.

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