Anyone else disappointed in (not so) Secret (anymore) Invasion?

Yeah, thought so. You and everyone else. It’s “meh” so far. But here at Comicology, we don’t lose hope. Ever. The same way we know we will lose our virginities someday. We hope. And through that relentless, unwavering hope, we shall achieve both virginity loss and a good issue of Secret Invasion.

 So, let’s have a recap.

Lemme start this off by saying that my initial guess of Maria Hill was wrong. Okay, maybe she would’ve been too obvious a choice? But then again, so is Hank Pym, Yellowjacket. He was the Skrulliest bastard in the entire MU. Well, next to Tony, that is.

On a sidenote, Skrull guns look awfully like the ghost detectors from Ghost Busters. (P.K.E. Meter, thanks to Rein Alamis for the correction) Maybe they have the same engineers. That must mean the Ghost Busters are all fucking Skrulls. Aaaaanyway, moving on.

 Who else we got? There’s, of course, Elektra. This is why I hate this shit- everything cool Elektra has done since whenever she first became a Skrull has been tarnished. So all the shit she’s done under Bendis’ pen in Daredevil has become SKRULLY! DAMN IT!

Another disappointment would have to be Dum Dum Dugan. The dude in the bowler hat and handlebar moustache who kicked almost as much ass as Nick Fury. Again, I don’t like this because it made his awesomeness in Iron Man: Director of SHIELD SKRULLY!

There’s Captain Marvel. Well, when he came back in Civil War: The Return, which was crap, by the way, we all knew something was wrong. So, yeah, we don’t really give a flying fuck. I know, I know, opinions will vary. But ours is- “FUCK CAPTAIN SKRULL!MARVEL!”

Jarvis! JARVIS!! NOOO!!! If this leads to Jarvis being replaced with a computer like in Iron Man’s movie, that’d be totally fucked. I don’t know if they’ve released an issue explaining where and when Jarvis was replaced, but it seems that even before New Avengers 1, he was a Skrull. Goddamn it. That means his geriatric love affair with Aunt May was SKRULLY!

The King of the Inumans, Black Bolt, was revealed to be a Skrull. Way to retcon, Marvel! Since the real Black Bolt could’ve totally taken Hulk. We’ll never know now, will we?! SONS OF BITCHES!

Spider-Woman, too, yeah. And she’s not just any skrull, she’s the QUEEN SKRULL! If I were the Queen Skrull, I’d take Thor’s place. Then, I’d really fuck things up. This is why we always thought Bendis had a hard-on for Jessica Drew for the longest time. Apparently, he has a hard-on for the QUEEN SKRULL!

The coyote pup Amadeus Cho brings along was also revealed as a Skrull? Really? Can anyone confirm or refute this? If this is true, then Amadeus Cho has no more reason for being alive. The puppy was the best thing going for him. Hulk should’ve crushed his SKRULLY pup and his annoying face back in WWH when he had the chance. But this is okay, since now, Doc Samson doesn’t seem so much of an ass after thunderclapping the dog.

There’s Longshot and Brother Voodoo, too. Meh, I say to thee. MEH! I thought Longshot’s been dead since the 90s, and Brother Voodoo is a deus ex machina unto himself.

Out of all the disappointing things that has happened in SI thus far, the most annoying thing has got to be the fact that street level heroes like Elektra and Echo can kill numerous supposedly super-powered skrulls.  It’s like saying if a Skrull with Nightcrawler/Cyclops and Wolverine powers goes against Elektra and loses, that means the real Nightcrawler/Cyclops or Wolverine wouldn’t stand a chance against her.

Okay, wait, I take it back. That isn’t the dumbest thing about Secret Invasion. The absolute dumbest thing, by far, bar none, is the way to discover them. Apparently, there’s one sure-fire method and tool-

Yes, motherfucker. A knife. You only have to fucking cut them to reveal their Skrull-y nature. What in the fuck?