Open Letter to Mr. Alec Baldwin (Better known as The Shadow)

Dear Mr. Alec Baldwin (or Mr. The Shadow, as you are more famously known)

First off, I’m a huge fan of yours. 30 Rock is one of the funniest shows I’ve ever seen that has Tina Fey in it. Speaking of Tina Fey, she’s one hot momma, isn’t she? Um, yeah. Anyway, I am from the Philippines and I think you know why I’m writing this. It just has to be said, Mr. Baldwin.

I’m sorry.

In behalf of those who felt like your joke was nothing more than what it actually was- a joke poking fun at a facet of reality, mentioned in humor at a comedy show that is not meant to be taken seriously- I am truly sorry. You have to understand, Mr. Shadow, that not all Filipinos have something up their asses and cry foul every time a joke is made towards our country. Had you said it during a press conference or a news interview, where things are stated as facts, then yeah, I’d be waving my brown monkey-like fist at you with much vigor and sign any petition that will ask for your public hanging while we throw our main export at you- manual labor.

From here.

But you see, the senator who threatened you with “mayhem” only targeted you because of the mainstream media attention he was going to get. Seriously, Filipino jokes are a dime a dozen. There’s this one from Family Guy that I found hilarious, where Brian the dog’s cousin called himself a Rice Queen because he can’t get enough of Filipino men. His current Filipino guy was named Juan or something, I forget. Another show that continuously takes enjoyable shots at my 3rd world country is MadTV, where Bobby Lee played an illegal immigrant speaking some jibberish he calls Tagalog. All funny, all done tastelessly, but all in good humor with no threatening or oppressive motive. I do, believe, sir, that what you said is to be taken the same way. I hope you agree with me when I say that there is ABSOLUTELY NO OPPRESSION GOING ON with the joke you made.

When I heard that joke, I was all just “Uh-Hyuk! You got us good there, you capitalist white pig!” but said in a joking manner, as well. You can’t fight fire with flammable wooden swords, I say.

See, Russia isn’t making any fuss about this, and they can send, like, Cosmonauts after you- a Russian asswhopping from OUTER SPACE. All this while they’re piss drunk. And they’ll probably send over Zangief. Google him, Mr. Baldwin, if you’re so inclined.

I don’t know why, then, when we Filipinos make fun of other races, no one really demands an apology from us and threatens us with mayhem. Here, sir, are good examples:

Yoyoy Villame’s blatant use of the phonetics of some imaginary Chinese language to make fun of the Chinese community. He even said that he came up with the song after reading business signs at China Town. Sure, he probably didn’t mean it to be offensive, but I’m sure, Mr. Baldwin, you didn’t either.

Michael V., a local celebrity, making fun of the Indian accent and Indian’s habit of selling cheap and defective crap, which I wasn’t even aware they did. I’m pretty sure that’s a Chinese thing. Also, he talks about 5-6, which is the 20% interest Indian money lenders charge, which I think we have laws against, as well. Why did no one cry out for justice? Why did no one cry out for mayhem? Oh wait, that’s right- a sense of humor and putting things into perspective.

I am aware of your constitutional right of freedom of speech. You can say whatever the hell you want, really, as long as you aren’t starting a riot or claiming you are about to blow up a plane with your Shadow-y powers, I guess. You know what, oh greatest of all Baldwins, The Philippines has the same basic right of free speech. Last I checked, I didn’t live in North Korea. (Oooh North Korean joke, oh snap. Meh, no one knows how to use the Internet there anyway, except Kim Jong Il, to look at American porn). You have the right to say what you said. Isn’t there a saying from you yankees that go something like “I do not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.” That’s a hell of a lot better than “If you come here, there will be mayhem!” I assume the full sentence continues as “especially if I run in the elections!”

Being the bigger man, you had issued an apology.

While I appreciate it, Mr. Baldwin, I find it totally unnecessary. Had we been in the same room and you speak the words “I’m sorry,” I’d just pat you on the back and go “no harm, no foul.” However, my government still didn’t accept what it asked from you, and you’re still banned from the Philippines. That sucks, man. This place isn’t so bad. There are people like me who aren’t stiff assholes. The country has beautiful beaches and a really fun night life, especially in Makati, at a street called Burgos. Plus, your dollars are more than welcome here, in my eyes.

I want you to know, Alec (because I try to pretend like we’re close now), that I will NOT vote for Mr. Senator who threatened you with physical harm upon coming over to my beautiful country should he run in any election. I will NOT vote for a Senator who would invoke violence, mayhem and demand an apology for a joke for these are acts unbecoming of any man, especially one who holds power in the senate. These are not qualities of a good public servant should exemplify.

Had he really been offended, I believe there are other, far more diplomatic ways of expressing his offended sensibilities, and there are far less violent ways of asking for an apology, and far less drastic. One need not threaten “mayhem.”

Dude, a senator totally threatened you with this!

Mr. Baldwin… Alec, I urge my readers to think about it hard. Do they want to give political power to a man who can’t even take a simple joke. Hell, even Erap, a former president, could take jokes in stride, with all those ERAPtion books floating about. Alec, FYI, Erap is our version of George W. Bush, who could also take a joke.

Again, Mr. Baldwin, I am sorry for that, in behalf of those who believe what I believe in. I know this post is insignificant to you, and hell, maybe even our country is also. Thing is, I believe, had you not been aware of that basic truth that yes, our country is famous for mail order brides, because life here isn’t exactly the easiest, you know, you would not have made that joke. It is really, our fault. Also, since the government didn’t accept your apology and banned you anyway (probably so we wouldn’t have to dish out mayhem), if you feel so inclined to retract your apology, I’d say it’s only fair.

Your fan,

Comicology guy.