Top 5 Characters You Don’t Want to Meet in a Dark Alleyway
October 25, 2009Halloween is almost upon us, and the time of shitting my pants in fear of local non-cable TV programming is near. I used to celebrate Halloween as a kid by rolling up balls of candle wax at cemeteries. Do you know how creepy it is at cemeteries late at night, while someone prays the rosary over a huge PA system? And with all the stories you usually hear at this time of year, it’s easy to need diapers for emergency poop-in-pants situations when your bodily functions give way to fear. This is why I decided to put together a list of 5 of creepiest peeps in all of comicdom you would NOT want to meet in a dark alleyway all alone.
Mind you, this isn’t a list of the scariest mother-effers ever, just a list of those whom I wouldn’t want to meet in an alleyway when it’s dark and I’m all alone. Okay? Let’s get started.
5- Blade
No, not because he’s black. And I promised myself I wouldn’t go there. Besides, that’s not my only reason.
The dude’s got fangs hanging out of his mouth, for one thing, and he’s always sneering like someone owes him money. Those would be reason enough to steer clear of the guy, yeah? He’s got a fucking sword, too, which he doesn’t even bother to hide. He’s all “Hey, asshole. I’m pissed off AND I have the means with which I can fucking KILL YOU painfully.”
So your sprinker system is already going off, filling up both your shoes, right? Then he pulls out a sub-machine gun, which he apparently likes, but not as much as his throwing knives, just because he thinks bullets aren’t hardcore enough.
4. Man-Thing
Imagine walking down a dark alley, and there’s a strong chill in the air. The kind of nippiness that would really make you think “I’d like to snuggle up to a warm body right about now.” Then all of a sudden, you see a creature called Man-Thing, and you have to wonder - “Is it thinking the same thing?”
So you fall limp from fear, as you see this creature and you think to yourself “What the hell is that thing on his face? Is that what I think it is? Oh please don’t let it be what I think it is!” Man-Thing comes from the swamp, so I imagine he wouldn’t smell very nice, either.
3. Morbius
Vampires are meant to scare the living freaking shit out of people. They weren’t meant to sparkle and be extremely gay- the kind of gay that even gay people discriminate against. Morbius is what a scary vampire is supposed to look like, which is the exact opposite of this:
Morbius has pale, almost white skin, which will almost creep even the Undertaker out. He’s got glowing red eyes; Frankly, they’d be cool if he didn’t have the fangs, the claws and the pointy bat-like ears. Also, the only thing he sucks on is blood. He needs it to stay alive, too. Morbius has vampire-powers, except for the ability to sparkle: super strength, speed and protection against conventional injury; so if you’re going down the same alley as this guy and it’s chow time, you’re pretty much screwed.
2. Kryb
Each and every member of the Sinestro Corps is scary as all hell. Well, maybe except the actual Sinestro. The guy looks kinda goofy. None of them freak me the fuck out nearly as much as Kryb.
Let’s start with the obvious. She has a yellow power ring, and the main purpose of her team is instill fear into everyone they encounter. Every member of that team is piss-your-pants worthy. Kryb, though, she takes it to a whole new level. She’s an old hag who goes after Green Lanterns with kids, kills them and stores their kids in a cage, which looks like an inverted ribcage.
That’s like every really horrible fairy tale witch gone horribly wrong.
1. Mephisto
Mephisto is basically a magically powered demonic ruler of the demonic dimension, which certainly looks a lot like hell. He can practically do anything he wants, which may or may not include your eternal damnation and torture. And Dr. Strange won’t be around to save your ass.
Like any demonic character, his favorite hobby is collecting souls. Now, just to show Dr. Doom he was bad ass, he went ahead and took his mom’s soul. Mephisto took Dr. Doom’s mother’s soul. Dr. Doom’s mother! Your soul is but a drop in the bucket to him. He’ll likely trade you for it, though, so it can’t be all that bad. Then again, a deal with the devil isn’t exactly something that falls under the “great deal” category.
What I’m really afraid of, though, is that he might change my continuity. 
Honorable Mentions:
Batman and Daredevil- One man is a depressed sociopath with post-traumatic stress, obsessive compulsive disorder and parental issues, and is dressed like a giant bat. The other is an angry sociopath with post-traumatic stress, obsessive compulsive disorder, daddy issues and an anger management problem, and he’s dressed like a devil.
Deadman- He’s a ghost. In a costume.
Previous Comments
same sentiments on that emo vampire guy…hell! at one time i thought twilight was those awesome “scare my pants out” horror flicks and i was proven wrong after a few seconds of a clip on the tube…this would make count von count from sesame street more bad ass any day of the week (HAR! HAR! HAR!)
Posted by bowski at October 26, 2009, 5:30 pmI was just telling Chad that I don’t want to run into Raze (that big, black Lycan dude from Underworld) in a dark alley.
The actor’s a pretty cool guy, though. He’s a former microbiologist with a background in genetic engineering. AND HE WRITES FOR MARVEL.
Posted by Anne at October 26, 2009, 5:49 pm@Joel Avatari
Yeah, man. I’m actually quite proud of this one, which is a lot more than what I can say about my other posts.
@bowski
You know, a few of my friends brought Twilight to my attention and they swore it was cool. (Helga, I be looking at you.) Little did I know that it would end up like htat.
@Anne
Wait, wait, wait… there’s a black microbiologist? Culturing the perfect watermelon at a microscopic, molecular level?
Posted by comicology at October 26, 2009, 8:51 pmgot your site from twitter, you RT’d one of my tweets.
Nice site you got here. I like the Morbius idea, its great, especially contrasting it to pop vampires we have now (agree twilight sux big time).
Sorry, I’m not a comic fan, but some chars you mentioned are familiar. But I like the way you presented it.
More power to you and your blog/site.
Posted by Menard at October 28, 2009, 4:26 pm@Menard
Hey dude! Thanks for dropping by! And please feel free to spread the word of Comicology around!
Posted by comicology at October 28, 2009, 4:41 pmYour comments about Morbius are made of pure win!
I’m also a CAT (Chick’s against Twilight)
Posted by Duskkodesh at December 9, 2009, 1:44 pmThere are chicks against Twilight? I must feature them here soon.
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