Comic of the (previous) Week: Flash: Rebirth #5

Work has been so hectic that I haven’t been able to find the time to write. Not that there’s someone out there who patiently waits for this CotW thing, but I just feel unproductive without churning one out, like a neglectful father who forgets to pick his child up from school.

With the stack that came out last week, the choice for CotW wasn’t so hard. Flash: Rebirth is a big title, and normally the shit hits the fan in the issue before the one that concludes a storyline. Unfortunately, as much as I love Wally West, this shit is getting ridiculously retarded. FLASH FAMILY!

Written by Geoff Johns
Pencils (and probably inks) by Ethan Van Scriber and colors by Brian Miller

I have always liked the idea of succession in comics. I mean, these people should get killed a whole frickin’ lot, shouldn’t they? I mean, if they risk their lives every so often for the good of mankind and come out of it unscathed practically all the time, they’re not really heroes, they’re just really strong and lucky people. That makes for a bad story and a retardly annoying series. When Barry died and Wally showed up, it was awesome. Wally died and Bart took his place, and it was pretty cool. And now, they’re ALL fucking back?!

How can you be “The Fastest Man on Earth” when there are 57 other people just as fast as you, goddamn it!?

Oh, and you should know they’re fighting against just one guy. The whole, supposedly, super duper powerful Flash family is going up against one guy, who apparently is immune to physics even with the miracle exception rule in play. I wish Barry stayed dead. His death is meaningless now. I hope Barry stayed dead. I hope, as much as I fucking love him, Wally West should’ve stayed dead. New Flash is a young girl? That’s cool. Jay stays alive and becomes the mentor? Way cool.

This is going to be spoiler-y, so divert your eyes now until you reach the next picture. They can now fix or replace their costumes by “thinking of the Speed Force.” It apparently gives them a re-energizing, too. Honestly, I found the ring thing cool. Yeah, they needed this to fight against one guy.

I like it when the illusion of speed is maintained all throughout an issue. Thing is, the way this is drawn and written, it feels as if they’re running at the blistering speed of a Sunday jogger. If you think Spider-Man physics is bad? Ah, check this shit out.

For people who are supposed to be running at speeds that would enable them to travel through time, which is well beyond the sound barrier, they sure do talk a whole lot.  Really, guys? Exposition speech during a blindingly fast battle? For these guys, I would like to think this whole fight happened in less than fifteen seconds, but it’s hard to do that when they’re talking about READING FUCKING BOOKS while looking like they’re jogging like teenage girls.

If I’m not mistaken, force is equal to mass times acceleration, or F = MA. This means that the heavier and faster an object is travelling, the more force is produced when impacting something. Like a FACE.

That Reverse Flash dude just got PUNCHED IN THE EYES by TWO of the greatest people to ever call themselves The Flash at fucking LIGHTNING SPEED! You’d think his head would explode, right? Nah, he was able to give some completely unnecessary explanatory speech a little later on in the issue.

As much as I easily appreciate art in comics because I have no fucking talent, I am finding it hard to rave about this. I mean, the art by itself is good, but as a storytelling device, which is its main purpose, it’s not doing anything for me.

I love Flash. He’s one of my favorite characters, but having too many goddamned Flashes occupy the same goddamn Earth is just ridiculous. This is a guy who can run the circumference of the Earth in seconds, supposedly. On such a small place, the bad guys won’t really stand much of a chance any-frickin’-where. They’d need some weird plot device just to even out the odds. Or, maybe they’ll just pull a Flash: Rebirth #5 and fuck all logic, even with the miracle exception rule in full swing.

2.5 out of 5 snails in a thunderstorm for this issue! It didn’t score lower because the issue itself isn’t half bad. My biggest problem is the direction of the mythos is going. Oh and the fucking piss poor suspension of belief methods employed.